Truth?

I've been wanting to get back to blogging for some time now but my world does not seem to stop turning long enough for me to write (between the endless loads of laundry, dirty dishes, kids to bathe, meals to cook, children to love on, husband to give undivided attention to, etc, etc....) Tonight though, I felt compelled to jot down my feelings. 

 

I recently read another blog that totally hit home.  http://suburbanturmoil.com/the-last-one-3/2014/02/20/  Its basically about all the "lasts" that happen with your last child and it got me to thinking so bear with me as I unload all my hormonal feelings on you.

 

 

This pregnancy was a surprise.  I was on birth control but during the change to another type we slipped up and here we are.  Jason was done having children, I on the other hand knew deep down that I was not.  That's why I refused a tubal when asked while being wheeled down to an emergency C-section with the boys.   I kind of just accepted the fact but it still nagged at me. Upon figuring out that I was pregnant, I burst into tears, a little shameful and scared what Jason would say. (His reaction was better than expected.) It took a good week or two to come to terms with it but I never felt regret or remorse.  Of course, everyone thought we were trying for a girl.  This has been one of the handful of questions asked after announcing the pregnancy.  A: we were not trying, B: a healthy baby was on the top of my list.  But I wont lie, I've wanted a daughter since I was pregnant with Peyton.  I have always carried the guilt that I cried when I found out that Peyton was a boy.  Maybe that's why I secretly wanted three boys when we were surprised with the triplets. I have been blessed with these precious boys and I feel "at home" with being the mother of four boys.  I can honestly say that although I found the idea of having a girl was lovely, I knew that I would be perfectly happy with another baby boy.  I stupidly did all the crazy calculations (Chinese calendar, etc) and all pointed to a girl and I just got it in my mind that this baby was a girl.  I refused to admit it to anyone in fear that they would think I would be disappointed  with another outcome.  I secretly imagined how I'd dress her, what she would look like, the relationship we would have and so on.  So today I was a bit shocked seeing that all too familiar appendage that I saw in all my other ultrasounds.  I just knew before the tech said it that it was in fact a boy. I immediately was happy and I still am.  But...

 

I am going back to that blog.  This is it.  I will never find out the sex of another baby.  In a few short months I will give birth and never feel the flutters and kicks that only a mother feels in her tummy ever again.  Although extremely happy, I will never have a daughter to have the relationship that my Mother and I do.  There are so many lasts that I am having such a hard time with right now.

 

So tonight, Im sitting in my quiet house, everyone else sleeping, and allowing myself to cry it out before I suck it up and enjoy what time I have left of the three most precious times in my life.